The moose received and email today from a friend which had my antlers shaking with laughter.
The newspaper is a lost tradition in our society. Gone are the days of kicking back in a nice chair with your coffee and the newspaper to catch up on the world events. Shocking news was often the headline and was the first time anybody knew anything about the event. Now the moose is paged at the start of a baseball game, when the score changes, when the pitcher changes and at the end. For a baseball fan like the moose this is awesome, but I also enjoyed the reading of the box score the next day after I listened to the game on my transistor Radio Shack Realistic AM radio (shut up, we all get old).
Anyway, if you aren’t convinced it is still a good idea to keep the newspaper and the human element intact (without a quick undo button) I think my life would not be complete after reading this. (I am convinced some of these were on purpose).
This is categorized in a couple of sections – if you don’t appreciate the pun of more colorful adult jokes – skip the Rated R section below.
Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum. This person has obviously watched Walking Dead too much.
Meat Head Resigns – I always wondered where Archie’s son-in-law ended up (this one shows my age…grrr.), who knew he worked for the USDA?
Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf – I hope they at least got free haircuts.
Hospitals resort to hiring doctors – as minion would say “Whaaaaaaaaaaat??”
New sick policy requires 2-day notice – sucks for the 24 hour flu!
Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem – Wow! I think this includes dead brain cells as well.
Parents keep kids home to protest school closure – That will show them!
Police arrest everyone on February 22nd – See honey, thats why I was out all night.
Rally against apathy draws small crowds – I don’t care, lol
Starvation can lead to health hazards – hmmm…really?
Miracle cure kills fifth patient – Might be time to not call it a miracle
Diana was still alive hours before she died – that’s encouraging
Missippi’s literacy program shows improvement – Way to go! Next….. spelling.
Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs – Guess that explains the wings huh?
Illiteracy an obstable, study finds – and this study cost what?
Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons – Umm were they expecting slinkys?
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops of significantly after age 25 – Those darn statistics are so smart
Homicide victims rarely talk to police – be alot easier to solve the crimes
17 Remain dead in morgue shooting spree – really remained dead, who would have thunk it.
Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800-pound ball on his head – His leg is the least of his worries. I’d be happy with leg pain.
City unsure why the sewer smells – Our tax paying dollars at work.
Bridges help people cross rivers – REALLY??? wow!
Meeting on open meetings is closed – How ’bout the closed meetings? are they open
Study shows frequent sex enhances pregnancy chances – Unfortunately alot of people are still confused by this.
Rated R – you have been warned (no headlines just comments)
Stand up and be counted, hee hee
This has to be on purpose
This is one loving child
I may have a new favorite team
Who wouldn’t be – he has d*cked us all.
Hole in one
Once again, had to be on purpose
Betcha I know how she got mentioned in the article
Seriously? I hope the proof reader got fired and not the writer.