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Classic Newspaper Headlines – Hilarious

28 Apr

The moose received and email today from a friend which had my antlers shaking with laughter.

The newspaper is a lost tradition in our society.  Gone are the days of kicking back in a nice chair with your coffee and the newspaper to catch up on the world events.  Shocking news was often the headline and was the first time anybody knew anything about the event.  Now the moose is paged at the start of a baseball game, when the score changes, when the pitcher changes and at the end.  For a baseball fan like the moose this is awesome, but I also enjoyed the reading of the box score the next day after I listened to the game on my transistor Radio Shack Realistic AM radio (shut up, we all get old).

Anyway, if you aren’t convinced it is still a good idea to keep the newspaper and the human element intact (without a quick undo button) I think my life would not be complete after reading this.  (I am convinced some of these were on purpose).

This is categorized in a couple of sections – if you don’t appreciate the pun of more colorful adult jokes – skip the Rated R section below.

Rated PG

Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum.  This person has obviously watched Walking Dead too much.

news21

Meat Head Resigns I always wondered where Archie’s son-in-law ended up (this one shows my age…grrr.), who knew he worked for the USDA?

news22

Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf – I hope they at least got free haircuts.

news23

Hospitals resort to hiring doctors – as minion would say “Whaaaaaaaaaaat??”

news24

New sick policy requires 2-day notice – sucks for the 24 hour flu!

news25

Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem – Wow!  I think this includes dead brain cells as well.

news26

Parents keep kids home to protest school closure – That will show them!

news29

Police arrest everyone on February 22nd – See honey, thats why I was out all night.

news30

Rally against apathy draws small crowds – I don’t care, lol

news31

Starvation can lead to health hazards – hmmm…really?

news32

Miracle cure kills fifth patient – Might be time to not call it a miracle

news35

Diana was still alive hours before she died – that’s encouraging

news1

Missippi’s literacy program shows improvement – Way to go!  Next….. spelling.

news2

Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs – Guess that explains the wings huh?

news4

Illiteracy an obstable, study finds – and this study cost what?

news6

Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons – Umm were they expecting slinkys?

news10

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops of significantly after age 25 – Those darn statistics are so smart

news9

Homicide victims rarely talk to police – be alot easier to solve the crimes

news12

17 Remain dead in morgue shooting spree – really remained dead, who would have thunk it.

news13

Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800-pound ball on his head – His leg is the least of his worries.  I’d be happy with leg pain.

news14

City unsure why the sewer smells – Our tax paying dollars at work.

news16

Bridges help people cross rivers – REALLY??? wow!

news15

Meeting on open meetings is closed – How ’bout the closed meetings? are they open

news18

Study shows frequent sex enhances pregnancy chances – Unfortunately alot of people are still confused by this.

news17


 

 

Rated R – you have been warned (no headlines just comments)

Stand up and be counted, hee hee

news28

This has to be on purpose

news33

That stinks

news34

This is one loving child

news39

I may have a new favorite team

news3

Who wouldn’t be – he has d*cked us all.

news5

Hole in one

news7
I hate it when this happens

news8

Once again, had to be on purpose

news11

Betcha I know how she got mentioned in the article

news19

 

Seriously?  I hope the proof reader got fired and not the writer.

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Posted by on April 28, 2014 in Funny Bone

 

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