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Why were you speeding?

Hi All,
The moose has been out and about lately and pretty quiet lately, you could almost say silent.  (Well it was funny to me).
Anyway my son had a wreck in the car the other day and it shook him up.  First wreck he has ever had, we all remember that feeling (shiver, shiver).  I think the next big event in the automotive greatest hits is to get pulled over by a police officer.
I get nervous just driving by a police car.  Ugh and the second worse feeling is that glance in the mirror and the lights just came on.  I am stopping now because I may start to cry.  Oh Well, this story came was shown to the moose and too funny not to share.

pulled-over1A State trooper pulled a car over on I-75.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to do a show for the Children’s Hospital and he didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.  The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”


Public Service announcement – Don’t drink and drink – Don’t text and drive – Stay alive – Seriously!

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Posted by on April 28, 2015 in Funny Bone

 

Only in Kentucky

handbibleThe year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman as president of the United States and she is from Kentucky.

A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her father in Kentucky and asks, “So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don’t think so.  It’s a long drive; your mom isn’t as young as she used to be, we’ll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting up in my knee.”

“Don’t worry about it, Dad, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take your home, and a limousine will pick you up at the door.” she said.

I don’t know.  Everybody will be so fancy.  What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, Dad,” she replied, “I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by one of the best designers in New York.”

“Honey,” dad complained, “You know we can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.”

The President-elect responded, “Don’t worry Dad.  The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C. and I’ll ensure your meals are salt-free.”

So her parents reluctantly agree, and on January 20th, 2024 arrived to see their daughter sworn in as the President of the United States.  The parents of the new President are seated in the front row.  The President’s dad sees that the Speaker of the House is sitting next to him and leans over and whispers.

“You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible, becoming the President of the United States?”

The Speaker whispered in reply, “Yes, sir, I sure do.”

Her dad says proudly, “Her brother played basketball for the University of Kentucky”.

———————

Yes, Only in Kentucky.  And this could be one of my friends kids.

 

 
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Posted by on March 11, 2015 in Funny Bone

 

Classic Newspaper Headlines – Hilarious

The moose received and email today from a friend which had my antlers shaking with laughter.

The newspaper is a lost tradition in our society.  Gone are the days of kicking back in a nice chair with your coffee and the newspaper to catch up on the world events.  Shocking news was often the headline and was the first time anybody knew anything about the event.  Now the moose is paged at the start of a baseball game, when the score changes, when the pitcher changes and at the end.  For a baseball fan like the moose this is awesome, but I also enjoyed the reading of the box score the next day after I listened to the game on my transistor Radio Shack Realistic AM radio (shut up, we all get old).

Anyway, if you aren’t convinced it is still a good idea to keep the newspaper and the human element intact (without a quick undo button) I think my life would not be complete after reading this.  (I am convinced some of these were on purpose).

This is categorized in a couple of sections – if you don’t appreciate the pun of more colorful adult jokes – skip the Rated R section below.

Rated PG

Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum.  This person has obviously watched Walking Dead too much.

news21

Meat Head Resigns I always wondered where Archie’s son-in-law ended up (this one shows my age…grrr.), who knew he worked for the USDA?

news22

Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf – I hope they at least got free haircuts.

news23

Hospitals resort to hiring doctors – as minion would say “Whaaaaaaaaaaat??”

news24

New sick policy requires 2-day notice – sucks for the 24 hour flu!

news25

Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem – Wow!  I think this includes dead brain cells as well.

news26

Parents keep kids home to protest school closure – That will show them!

news29

Police arrest everyone on February 22nd – See honey, thats why I was out all night.

news30

Rally against apathy draws small crowds – I don’t care, lol

news31

Starvation can lead to health hazards – hmmm…really?

news32

Miracle cure kills fifth patient – Might be time to not call it a miracle

news35

Diana was still alive hours before she died – that’s encouraging

news1

Missippi’s literacy program shows improvement – Way to go!  Next….. spelling.

news2

Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs – Guess that explains the wings huh?

news4

Illiteracy an obstable, study finds – and this study cost what?

news6

Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons – Umm were they expecting slinkys?

news10

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops of significantly after age 25 – Those darn statistics are so smart

news9

Homicide victims rarely talk to police – be alot easier to solve the crimes

news12

17 Remain dead in morgue shooting spree – really remained dead, who would have thunk it.

news13

Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800-pound ball on his head – His leg is the least of his worries.  I’d be happy with leg pain.

news14

City unsure why the sewer smells – Our tax paying dollars at work.

news16

Bridges help people cross rivers – REALLY??? wow!

news15

Meeting on open meetings is closed – How ’bout the closed meetings? are they open

news18

Study shows frequent sex enhances pregnancy chances – Unfortunately alot of people are still confused by this.

news17


 

 

Rated R – you have been warned (no headlines just comments)

Stand up and be counted, hee hee

news28

This has to be on purpose

news33

That stinks

news34

This is one loving child

news39

I may have a new favorite team

news3

Who wouldn’t be – he has d*cked us all.

news5

Hole in one

news7
I hate it when this happens

news8

Once again, had to be on purpose

news11

Betcha I know how she got mentioned in the article

news19

 

Seriously?  I hope the proof reader got fired and not the writer.

 
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Posted by on April 28, 2014 in Funny Bone

 

Trampoline is here! (Spring time)

The moose is smiling antler to antler now that the weather seems to have hit some normal pattern.

moosefallThe temperature gauge around Cincinnati has looked more like an EKG than a weather pattern.  Now that spring break is over for most students they will likely start getting spring fever.

Just the other day there were four high school boys afflicted with spring fever.  they skipped all their morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.  Much to their relief she smiled and said, “Well what a bad break.  You missed a test today but I can let you make it up.”  She even volunteered to make things easier and just give them one question.”  The boys took seats apart from one another and took out a piece of paper.”

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.
Then the teacher said: “First Question: Which tire was flat?”

The moose would have guessed, the one without the air but I’m not sure it would have helped.

Spring time is going by quickly and soon we will be whining about the loads of humidity of summer.
Enjoy some quick weather jokes to give you a couple of smiles.

  • What did one raindrop say to the other?  Two’s company, three’s a cloud
  • Where do clouds go to the bathroom? Anywhere they want
  • I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
  • What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles? UCLA
  • When do you go at red and stop at green?  When you’re eating a watermelon.
  • When does it rain money?  When there is “change” in the weather.
  • What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? In the end, someone is going to loose a trailer

And the joke of the day….
What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer’s day? I’m bacon!

Enjoy the weather – and keep your stories straight….seriously!

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2014 in Funny Bone

 

Happy New Year

balloonYet another chapter of our lives closes but another door opens.  Just remember to open door first (trust the moose on this one).  

Here is a collection of saying put together into a Moosism or in Moostyle end of year letter.

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To all those people who are reading this,

Ah, 2013 I remember it like it was yesterday.  If 2013 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.  No but seriously.  It was a great year and a lot of awesome things happened.  The good thing is I don’t remember my resolutions from last year.  It is was to loose weight, spend less, drive slower or be more patient.  EPIC FAIL!  If it was to serve others and to grow EPIC Win!

Financially could have been better but it also could have been worse.  Just remember this one thing.  The Mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.  DOH!  I think the quote of the year came from all those in government “I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.”  

Most people will be out partying tonight.  Be careful out there tonight – I hear the forecast for most of the United States is “Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.”.  I actually prefer the people who pass out, at least they are not the idiots driving on the roads.  Don’t forget there is device which turn thoughts into speech. It’s called bourbon.  Remember, many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.

Don’t make resolutions unless it is 1080p, so much better then 1080i (Nerd joke for the techies in the group).  A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. (yuk, yuk).  Just remember if your resolutions are to “Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes”. You will fail!  Please don’t fall victim to the “I will think of a password other than “password” or “passwordJan”, “passwordFeb”, etc.  you will fail again.  You just are that creative and if you are you will likely forget it.  My advice for resolutions is to try something you will succeed at.  Mine are “Read Less” and “Watch more TV”.

To the love of my life Mrs. Moose – I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2013 and a beautiful beginning into 2014.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

mooseSincerely,

The Silent Moose
 
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Posted by on December 31, 2013 in Funny Bone

 

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Christmas Cartoons

Merry Christmas everyone.  The moose wants to wish everyone a happy holidays.

Here are few classic cartoons for a couple of chuckles this season.

Where Snowcones come from!

snow cones, how snow cones are made

On the next episode on CSI

note to santa, santa letter

I was wondering why it was warm….

snowflakes, eat snow flakes, don't eat snow flakes, catch snowflakes

Man that’s cold…

frozen dogs, cold dogs, dogs in snow

And I thought parallel parking was hard.

modern architecture, santa on slanted roof

A plastic surgeon for a snowman is an ice sculptor.

fake snow cones, female snow, snow women, snow man

The question is…are you going to be improving or am I filling my freezer.

jobe evaluation, santa employment, reindeer layoff, reindeer job

No comment needed…

fruitcake, spongebob, sponge bob, fruit cake

I told you smoking was bad…..

snowmen shouldn't smoke, cigar smoking snowman, smoking is bad, cigars are bad

I hate changing tires in the snow

reindeer flat, flat reindeer, santa sleigh flat

Enjoy the season!  Remember the holiday starts with Christ, remember the reason for the season.  and “mas” is more in Spanish.  So make Christ more of your focus this holiday.  Seriously!

 
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Posted by on December 24, 2013 in Funny Bone

 

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He knows everyone

Ever have one of those friends who everytime you go out they run into someone they know.  Well the moose has a brother who is like that.  He should run for president, can’t do any worse than the current people in office.  Anyway enjoy the story below and don’t challenge my brother or my friend Scott like this, the same results could happen.

————————————————————————

There was a man named Bubba.  Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba’s boss asked if he had any friends.  Bubba says to his new boss, “Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!”  His boss doesn’t believe him, so he says “You do not know everyone in the whole world Bubba”.  “Yes I do!” said Bubba.  The boss says “Well prove it!”.  Bubba challenged his boss and said “Pick someone… and I know them!”

tomselleckWell he thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. “Tom  Selleck! I bet you don’t know Tom Selleck!” Bubba says “Tom Selleck! Tom and I were   in boy scouts together when we were kids!”.  A bit angry he says “No you weren’t!” then Bubba says “Yes we were!”.  They fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck’s house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes “Tom!!!” and Tom goes “Bubba!”.  They hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba’s boss can’t believe it. But then he thinks “Well that could happen, it’s just one person,” so he tells Bubba and Bubba says “OK, pick somebody else!”

obamaThis time Bubba’s boss has someone in mind! “The president, Barrack Obama! You don’t know Barrack Obama!” but Bubba says “Oh yes I do! Big B and I were on debate team together in college!” He says “No you weren’t!” and  Bubba says “Yes we were!”.  They fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get’s close enough to catch Obama’s eye and waves “Big Bl!” and the President waves “Bubba!” and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba’s boss is stunned- he can’t believe it.  But then he thinks “Well that’s just two people in one country- that doesn’t mean he knows everyone in the whole world!” so he tells Bubba and Bubba says “OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!”

popebenThis time his boss knows just who to pick so he says “The Pope! You do not know the Pope!” and Bubba says “The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!” and Bubba’s boss says “No he didn’t!” and Bubba says “Yes he did!”.  They fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd- without much luck- so Bubba says “Boss, we’re never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what-I’ll work my way up there and when I do, I’ll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!” and he leaves.

Bubba’s boss waits and waits and waits and just when he’s about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!

Shortly afterwards, Bubb’s boss passes out.  Bubba sees this and rushes down to find his boss passed out and he fans him and says  “Boss! Boss! Wake up!”  He comes too and Bubba asks “Boss what happened?”  He looks at Bubba and says “OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Barrack Obama…shucks, I can even take the Pope!

But when the stranger standing next to me asks ‘Who’s that up there with Bubba?’ That’s was a little more than I could take!

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Do you know some one famous?  Send me a story and it may be part of an upcoming story from the moose.  Seriously?!

 
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Posted by on October 17, 2013 in Funny Bone

 

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