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Pulitzer Colonoscopy

suprisedThis article was handed to the moose and became a must post.  The moose has unfortunately had this experience and it was a pain in the —.  The writer is Dave Barry a Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.  All these comments had me crying with laughter.  If you don’t know what a colonoscopy is Google it – I am not covering this here.  Seriously!


COLONOSCOPY JOURNAL

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies….

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam quite humorous.  A physician claimed that the following are actual comments mad by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

  1. “Take it easy Doc.  You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”
  2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
  3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
  4. “Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?”
  5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
  6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
  7. “You put your left hand in, you take you left hand out…”
  8. “Hey!  Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
  9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!”
  10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
  11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
  12. “Now I know why I am not gay”

And the best of the all:  “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”


 
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Posted by on March 20, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant

The moose was leading a youth bible study a few weeks back.  The moose likes examples I wrote a quick skit to play out a modern version of the parable.  They really enjoyed it and we had an incredible talk and lesion.

A couple of people asked me where I downloaded it from.  Since I made it up on the fly I said my brain.  Which was a surprise to everyone.  Not sure if it because they were shocked to know I had a brain.  Anyways, here it is for anyone to use followed by the scripture verse (ESV).


Parody on the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant. Matthew 18:23-35. It takes a few liberties to make it more fun for the audience. Entire scene takes place in an office.  4 Parts – BOSS, SQUEAKY, ALICE, and Security Guard.

(Boss sitting at desk looking at papers.)

BOSS:  Alice tell Squeaky to get in here
SQUEAKY:  Hey Boss whats up?
BOSS:  I was going over the accounts and I see here you owe me $150,000.
SQUEAKY: Really? $150,000? Are you sure?
BOSS: Well, you have quite a few advances. Let’s take a look.
SQUEAKY: Let’s not.
BOSS: Says here your wife needed surgery and you borrowed $10,000. Is she doing ok?
SQUEAKY: Who?
BOSS:  Your wife.
SQUEAKY:  (trying to cover tracks)  Oooh my wife. Yeah she’s fine. The new nose …I mean she’s good.
BOSS:  Next you asked for $50,000 for home repairs.  Says here there was a foul up with your home insurance?
SQUEAKY:  (thinking…) yeah
BOSS:  We were just over at you house. Can’t even tell you had that kind of damage.  Guess it didn’t hit the deck, hot tub and swimming pool – they still look new.
SQUEAKY:  Yeah…got lucky there
BOSS:  $50,000 for car and boat replacement. Same storm?
SQUEAKY:  Storm? Oh yeah – it was bad. Wizard of Oz type of stuff.  We were lucky to get out alive.
BOSS:  A tornado? Hmmm. Thought I would’ve remember a storm that bad on the news.
SQUEAKY:  Yeah the (stumbling) meter-proctologist guy said it was a freak wind burst.  Like a balloon breaking right over my house.
BOSS:  Lastly $40,000 for ….. emotional stress and welfare – this was like a month ago.  Weren’t you in Vegas a month ago for a work assignment?
SQUEAKY:  ummmm.. not sure .. work is so crazy sometimes.
SQUEAKY:  Boss, I really am going to pay it all back.  I have just been dealt a bad hand cards….luck.  I promise I’ll get it to ya. Can I just get more time?

BOSS:  Squeaky, I’ve known you a long time. Not sure what is going on but I know you and your wife are having issues.
SQUEAKY:  I haven’t told anyone about that.
BOSS:  She came across our prayer chain at church.
SQUEAKY:  I just need more time. I’m begging. Can you help me out?
BOSS:  I tell you what … forget all this debt, consider it paid in full.
SQUEAKY:  Wow – are you serious?
BOSS:  It’s mine to write off not yours. I’ve been blessed.  (hurriedly) Hey I got to go – meeting someone at lunch.  I’ll clean all this up when I get back.

SQUEAKY:  Thanks boss (confused and happy as Boss leaves). SWEET!
(enter Alice)
ALICE:  Hey Squeaky. You are in a good mood.
SQUEAKY:  Hey Alice. How are you?
ALICE:  Great.
BOSS:  (Boss walks by to grab his keys on the desk)  Hard to go anywhere without my keys.
SQUEAKY:  Hey Alice couple of weeks ago I loaned you $25 to pay for your daughters last minute field trip.
ALICE:  Oh Yeah – thanks again. Teenagers never tell you in enough time about stuff.  They went to a concert. She loves music. Inspired her to think about it for college.  Although we will never be able to afford it.
SQUEAKY:  You got paid yesterday right?
ALICE:  Yes – just in time. Too many bills.
SQUEAKY:  You gonna pay me back?
ALICE:  Can I get some more time? I haven’t finished paying everything yet.
SQUEAKY:  No. I am going out with the guys tonight and need the money.
ALICE:  Really? Please can I pay you next paycheck?
SQUEAKY:  How about I give you to the end of the day?  That gives you time to go to the ATM.

BOSS:  Squeaky! What are you doing?
SQUEAKY:  Nothing. She owes me money.
BOSS:  Did I not just cancel all your debt?
SQUEAKY:  Yeah. That was awesome by the way.
BOSS:  Can’t you show Alice a bit of mercy?
SQUEAKY:  Sure I could – but they guys….
BOSS:  Alice, call security. We have an employee who has been stealing from the company.

(SECURITY GUARD comes in a take out Squeaky)

SQUEAKY: This isn’t fair! (As they drag him out.)
SECURITY GUARD:  Hush you. By the way. Where is my $5 you owe me?
BOSS:  (Deep breath) Alice, let’s go to lunch.
(As they are leaving)

BOSS:   Rumor has it we just started giving out money for college music students for company employees. If you are interested.


Matthew 18:23-35

English Standard Version (ESV)

23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants.[a] 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents.[b] 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant[c] fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii,[d] and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers,[e] until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

 

 
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Posted by on April 16, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Snow Diary

With the white death attacking Cincinnati today, I had to find this classic hilarious story.  It is longer than my ADD can normally handle but the moose is pushing through it for the fans.  Also had to clean up a bit of the language.  It is a awesome read and something you will quote forever – push yourself and you may be able to read the whole thing!    Sorry for some of the language but it is classic!  Seriously!

Snow Diary

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!Snow-Park-Bench

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!  Can there be a more lovely place in the whole World?  Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again.  l don’t think that’s possible.  Bob is such a nice man I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

snow_shoveling_1

 

December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The winto ok my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Stupid snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh*t fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0o. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the #$%%^#@! slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.

snow_2

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE LADY CALLED MY WIFE is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.Why am I tied to the bed?

 

 
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Posted by on December 6, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Petey the Snake

I wanted to start this week out with style and class, so I remember this story which a friend from Philpot, Kentucky used to tell.  As you read this story you must read it out loud.  It loses all it’s meaning and power if you simply just read it silently.  Trust the moose on this one, read aloud and enjoy.

petey_snake1

Story of Petey, the Snake

This is the story about a poor little snake named “Petey.”  Petey was a snake only so big.  Petey lived in a pit with his mother.  Petey like to hiss in the pit.

One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said: ‘Petey, don’t hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss.”  So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss.  Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and hissed in the pit.  Petey’s mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said: “Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mr. Pott’s pit to hiss in his pit. Petey went over to Mr. Pott’s pit to hiss in his pit, but Mr. Pott was not at home, so he hissed in his pit anyway.  

While Petey was hissing in Mr. Pott’s pit, Mr. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in his pit. He said: “Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don’t hiss in my pit; go to your own pit and hiss.”

This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home. When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying, and said: “Petey, what’s the matter?” Petey said: “I went over to Mr. Pott’s pit to hiss, but Mr. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in his pit anyway, Mr. Pott came home and found me hissing in his pit and said: “Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go to your own pit and hiss. Don’t hiss in my pit.” 

This made Petey’s mother very angry, and she said: “Why that ole’ scallywag. I knew Mr. Pott when he didn’t have a pit to hiss in.”

If you didn’t laugh or hose this up at least once then you are a big stinker! (or you didn’t read it out loud).  the moose laughed so hard the first time I nearly hissed in my pit.  Thanks to camel Stu for finding the text version of this.  If I had to type it, I would have probably “hit” when I should of “pit” or I might have …. umm….well… you know …. when I should have “hissed”.  Seriously.

 
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Posted by on October 14, 2013 in Uncategorized