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Why were you speeding?

Hi All,
The moose has been out and about lately and pretty quiet lately, you could almost say silent.  (Well it was funny to me).
Anyway my son had a wreck in the car the other day and it shook him up.  First wreck he has ever had, we all remember that feeling (shiver, shiver).  I think the next big event in the automotive greatest hits is to get pulled over by a police officer.
I get nervous just driving by a police car.  Ugh and the second worse feeling is that glance in the mirror and the lights just came on.  I am stopping now because I may start to cry.  Oh Well, this story came was shown to the moose and too funny not to share.

pulled-over1A State trooper pulled a car over on I-75.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to do a show for the Children’s Hospital and he didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.  The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”


Public Service announcement – Don’t drink and drink – Don’t text and drive – Stay alive – Seriously!

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Posted by on April 28, 2015 in Funny Bone

 

Pulitzer Colonoscopy

suprisedThis article was handed to the moose and became a must post.  The moose has unfortunately had this experience and it was a pain in the —.  The writer is Dave Barry a Pulitzer Prize winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.  All these comments had me crying with laughter.  If you don’t know what a colonoscopy is Google it – I am not covering this here.  Seriously!


COLONOSCOPY JOURNAL

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies….

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam quite humorous.  A physician claimed that the following are actual comments mad by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

  1. “Take it easy Doc.  You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”
  2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
  3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
  4. “Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?”
  5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
  6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
  7. “You put your left hand in, you take you left hand out…”
  8. “Hey!  Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
  9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!”
  10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
  11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
  12. “Now I know why I am not gay”

And the best of the all:  “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”


 
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Posted by on March 20, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Only in Kentucky

handbibleThe year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman as president of the United States and she is from Kentucky.

A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her father in Kentucky and asks, “So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don’t think so.  It’s a long drive; your mom isn’t as young as she used to be, we’ll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting up in my knee.”

“Don’t worry about it, Dad, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take your home, and a limousine will pick you up at the door.” she said.

I don’t know.  Everybody will be so fancy.  What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, Dad,” she replied, “I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by one of the best designers in New York.”

“Honey,” dad complained, “You know we can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.”

The President-elect responded, “Don’t worry Dad.  The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C. and I’ll ensure your meals are salt-free.”

So her parents reluctantly agree, and on January 20th, 2024 arrived to see their daughter sworn in as the President of the United States.  The parents of the new President are seated in the front row.  The President’s dad sees that the Speaker of the House is sitting next to him and leans over and whispers.

“You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible, becoming the President of the United States?”

The Speaker whispered in reply, “Yes, sir, I sure do.”

Her dad says proudly, “Her brother played basketball for the University of Kentucky”.

———————

Yes, Only in Kentucky.  And this could be one of my friends kids.

 

 
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Posted by on March 11, 2015 in Funny Bone

 

It all comes down to –

Along time ago I hear a person speak of how everything comes down to 2 dates and a “-“.dash

On your tombstone they put your date of birth, which I don’t remember as I was still in shock from how cold it was outside when I was born.  the other date is the day you pass – not going to remember this one either because….um….well….i’m dead.  So your accumulation of your life comes down to that little line.  I did not know there was a poem which inspired this story, unless I just wasn’t listening close enough.  In youth this week the moose was reminded of this.  Here is the poem for your reading pleasure.


The Dash

by Linda Ellis
  
I read of a man who stood to speak, At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone, From the beginning to the end
He noted that first came her date of her birth, And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all, Was the dash between those years
For that dash represents all the time, That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her,  Know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not how much we own;  The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love And how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard. Are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left, That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand The way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger, And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives Like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect, And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash Might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy is being read With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say About how you spent your dash?
©1996 All Rights Reserved, Linda Ellis

So as you live your life, don’t dash through it to fast.

Live your dash!  Seriously!

 
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Posted by on May 9, 2014 in Inspired

 

Classic Newspaper Headlines – Hilarious

The moose received and email today from a friend which had my antlers shaking with laughter.

The newspaper is a lost tradition in our society.  Gone are the days of kicking back in a nice chair with your coffee and the newspaper to catch up on the world events.  Shocking news was often the headline and was the first time anybody knew anything about the event.  Now the moose is paged at the start of a baseball game, when the score changes, when the pitcher changes and at the end.  For a baseball fan like the moose this is awesome, but I also enjoyed the reading of the box score the next day after I listened to the game on my transistor Radio Shack Realistic AM radio (shut up, we all get old).

Anyway, if you aren’t convinced it is still a good idea to keep the newspaper and the human element intact (without a quick undo button) I think my life would not be complete after reading this.  (I am convinced some of these were on purpose).

This is categorized in a couple of sections – if you don’t appreciate the pun of more colorful adult jokes – skip the Rated R section below.

Rated PG

Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum.  This person has obviously watched Walking Dead too much.

news21

Meat Head Resigns I always wondered where Archie’s son-in-law ended up (this one shows my age…grrr.), who knew he worked for the USDA?

news22

Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf – I hope they at least got free haircuts.

news23

Hospitals resort to hiring doctors – as minion would say “Whaaaaaaaaaaat??”

news24

New sick policy requires 2-day notice – sucks for the 24 hour flu!

news25

Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem – Wow!  I think this includes dead brain cells as well.

news26

Parents keep kids home to protest school closure – That will show them!

news29

Police arrest everyone on February 22nd – See honey, thats why I was out all night.

news30

Rally against apathy draws small crowds – I don’t care, lol

news31

Starvation can lead to health hazards – hmmm…really?

news32

Miracle cure kills fifth patient – Might be time to not call it a miracle

news35

Diana was still alive hours before she died – that’s encouraging

news1

Missippi’s literacy program shows improvement – Way to go!  Next….. spelling.

news2

Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs – Guess that explains the wings huh?

news4

Illiteracy an obstable, study finds – and this study cost what?

news6

Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons – Umm were they expecting slinkys?

news10

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops of significantly after age 25 – Those darn statistics are so smart

news9

Homicide victims rarely talk to police – be alot easier to solve the crimes

news12

17 Remain dead in morgue shooting spree – really remained dead, who would have thunk it.

news13

Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800-pound ball on his head – His leg is the least of his worries.  I’d be happy with leg pain.

news14

City unsure why the sewer smells – Our tax paying dollars at work.

news16

Bridges help people cross rivers – REALLY??? wow!

news15

Meeting on open meetings is closed – How ’bout the closed meetings? are they open

news18

Study shows frequent sex enhances pregnancy chances – Unfortunately alot of people are still confused by this.

news17


 

 

Rated R – you have been warned (no headlines just comments)

Stand up and be counted, hee hee

news28

This has to be on purpose

news33

That stinks

news34

This is one loving child

news39

I may have a new favorite team

news3

Who wouldn’t be – he has d*cked us all.

news5

Hole in one

news7
I hate it when this happens

news8

Once again, had to be on purpose

news11

Betcha I know how she got mentioned in the article

news19

 

Seriously?  I hope the proof reader got fired and not the writer.

 
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Posted by on April 28, 2014 in Funny Bone

 

Trampoline is here! (Spring time)

The moose is smiling antler to antler now that the weather seems to have hit some normal pattern.

moosefallThe temperature gauge around Cincinnati has looked more like an EKG than a weather pattern.  Now that spring break is over for most students they will likely start getting spring fever.

Just the other day there were four high school boys afflicted with spring fever.  they skipped all their morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.  Much to their relief she smiled and said, “Well what a bad break.  You missed a test today but I can let you make it up.”  She even volunteered to make things easier and just give them one question.”  The boys took seats apart from one another and took out a piece of paper.”

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.
Then the teacher said: “First Question: Which tire was flat?”

The moose would have guessed, the one without the air but I’m not sure it would have helped.

Spring time is going by quickly and soon we will be whining about the loads of humidity of summer.
Enjoy some quick weather jokes to give you a couple of smiles.

  • What did one raindrop say to the other?  Two’s company, three’s a cloud
  • Where do clouds go to the bathroom? Anywhere they want
  • I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
  • What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles? UCLA
  • When do you go at red and stop at green?  When you’re eating a watermelon.
  • When does it rain money?  When there is “change” in the weather.
  • What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? In the end, someone is going to loose a trailer

And the joke of the day….
What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer’s day? I’m bacon!

Enjoy the weather – and keep your stories straight….seriously!

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2014 in Funny Bone

 

The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant

The moose was leading a youth bible study a few weeks back.  The moose likes examples I wrote a quick skit to play out a modern version of the parable.  They really enjoyed it and we had an incredible talk and lesion.

A couple of people asked me where I downloaded it from.  Since I made it up on the fly I said my brain.  Which was a surprise to everyone.  Not sure if it because they were shocked to know I had a brain.  Anyways, here it is for anyone to use followed by the scripture verse (ESV).


Parody on the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant. Matthew 18:23-35. It takes a few liberties to make it more fun for the audience. Entire scene takes place in an office.  4 Parts – BOSS, SQUEAKY, ALICE, and Security Guard.

(Boss sitting at desk looking at papers.)

BOSS:  Alice tell Squeaky to get in here
SQUEAKY:  Hey Boss whats up?
BOSS:  I was going over the accounts and I see here you owe me $150,000.
SQUEAKY: Really? $150,000? Are you sure?
BOSS: Well, you have quite a few advances. Let’s take a look.
SQUEAKY: Let’s not.
BOSS: Says here your wife needed surgery and you borrowed $10,000. Is she doing ok?
SQUEAKY: Who?
BOSS:  Your wife.
SQUEAKY:  (trying to cover tracks)  Oooh my wife. Yeah she’s fine. The new nose …I mean she’s good.
BOSS:  Next you asked for $50,000 for home repairs.  Says here there was a foul up with your home insurance?
SQUEAKY:  (thinking…) yeah
BOSS:  We were just over at you house. Can’t even tell you had that kind of damage.  Guess it didn’t hit the deck, hot tub and swimming pool – they still look new.
SQUEAKY:  Yeah…got lucky there
BOSS:  $50,000 for car and boat replacement. Same storm?
SQUEAKY:  Storm? Oh yeah – it was bad. Wizard of Oz type of stuff.  We were lucky to get out alive.
BOSS:  A tornado? Hmmm. Thought I would’ve remember a storm that bad on the news.
SQUEAKY:  Yeah the (stumbling) meter-proctologist guy said it was a freak wind burst.  Like a balloon breaking right over my house.
BOSS:  Lastly $40,000 for ….. emotional stress and welfare – this was like a month ago.  Weren’t you in Vegas a month ago for a work assignment?
SQUEAKY:  ummmm.. not sure .. work is so crazy sometimes.
SQUEAKY:  Boss, I really am going to pay it all back.  I have just been dealt a bad hand cards….luck.  I promise I’ll get it to ya. Can I just get more time?

BOSS:  Squeaky, I’ve known you a long time. Not sure what is going on but I know you and your wife are having issues.
SQUEAKY:  I haven’t told anyone about that.
BOSS:  She came across our prayer chain at church.
SQUEAKY:  I just need more time. I’m begging. Can you help me out?
BOSS:  I tell you what … forget all this debt, consider it paid in full.
SQUEAKY:  Wow – are you serious?
BOSS:  It’s mine to write off not yours. I’ve been blessed.  (hurriedly) Hey I got to go – meeting someone at lunch.  I’ll clean all this up when I get back.

SQUEAKY:  Thanks boss (confused and happy as Boss leaves). SWEET!
(enter Alice)
ALICE:  Hey Squeaky. You are in a good mood.
SQUEAKY:  Hey Alice. How are you?
ALICE:  Great.
BOSS:  (Boss walks by to grab his keys on the desk)  Hard to go anywhere without my keys.
SQUEAKY:  Hey Alice couple of weeks ago I loaned you $25 to pay for your daughters last minute field trip.
ALICE:  Oh Yeah – thanks again. Teenagers never tell you in enough time about stuff.  They went to a concert. She loves music. Inspired her to think about it for college.  Although we will never be able to afford it.
SQUEAKY:  You got paid yesterday right?
ALICE:  Yes – just in time. Too many bills.
SQUEAKY:  You gonna pay me back?
ALICE:  Can I get some more time? I haven’t finished paying everything yet.
SQUEAKY:  No. I am going out with the guys tonight and need the money.
ALICE:  Really? Please can I pay you next paycheck?
SQUEAKY:  How about I give you to the end of the day?  That gives you time to go to the ATM.

BOSS:  Squeaky! What are you doing?
SQUEAKY:  Nothing. She owes me money.
BOSS:  Did I not just cancel all your debt?
SQUEAKY:  Yeah. That was awesome by the way.
BOSS:  Can’t you show Alice a bit of mercy?
SQUEAKY:  Sure I could – but they guys….
BOSS:  Alice, call security. We have an employee who has been stealing from the company.

(SECURITY GUARD comes in a take out Squeaky)

SQUEAKY: This isn’t fair! (As they drag him out.)
SECURITY GUARD:  Hush you. By the way. Where is my $5 you owe me?
BOSS:  (Deep breath) Alice, let’s go to lunch.
(As they are leaving)

BOSS:   Rumor has it we just started giving out money for college music students for company employees. If you are interested.


Matthew 18:23-35

English Standard Version (ESV)

23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants.[a] 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents.[b] 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant[c] fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii,[d] and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers,[e] until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

 

 
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Posted by on April 16, 2014 in Uncategorized